Local Man Claims ‘I’ll Be There in 5 Minutes’ Holds No Legal Binding, Continues to Show Up 45 Minutes Late
A local resident has once again declared that his infamous time estimate, “I’ll be there in 5 minutes,” is not a binding contract, after arriving at a dinner reservation precisely 45 minutes after the agreed-upon time.
“I don’t see what the big deal is,” he said, casually sipping a lukewarm glass of water that had been poured for him ages ago. “Everyone knows that ‘5 minutes’ is just a relative term. It’s like saying ‘I’m almost done’ when you still have five hours of work left.”
His friends, now experts in navigating his flexible interpretation of time, reportedly had already adjusted their expectations. “I told him dinner was at 6:30, knowing full well it was actually at 7:15,” confessed close friend Jake. “He still showed up at 7:45, but honestly, that’s an improvement.”
A seasoned professional at ignoring the laws of punctuality, he insists that his estimates should not be taken literally. “If we’re being honest, time itself is just a human construct,” he explained, somehow making himself the victim in the situation. “My watch is off, my car’s clock is different, and my phone auto-updates. How am I supposed to keep up with all that?”
Experts confirm that his time-telling skills have remained questionable throughout his life. “His sense of time exists in an alternate universe where ‘just one more episode’ means an entire season, and ‘leaving now’ means he hasn’t put on pants yet,” reports Dr. Sharon Mills, a behavioral analyst.
Despite widespread frustration, he remains adamant. “Look, I got here, didn’t I?” he said, laughing. “That’s what really matters.”
His friends have since adjusted all future plans by implementing a mandatory “Buffer Zone,” adding an additional hour to all invitations.
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