Washington, D.C. — In a stunning turn of events, Congress has unveiled its latest strategy to address all of America’s issues—by vaguely promising solutions over the next 50 years. Dubbed the “Eventually But Not Right Now Act,” the initiative seeks to establish a bipartisan agreement that something should probably be done at some point, preferably when it’s someone else’s problem.
“We’re taking decisive action,” said Senator Bob Bureaucracy (R-Confusion). “By committing to a possible resolution in the distant future, we can reassure the American people that we’ve thought about doing something, without the inconvenience of actually doing it.”
The plan includes ambitious proposals such as:
- A new healthcare system that will be “efficient and affordable” (pending further research, lobbying efforts, and congressional naps).
- A groundbreaking infrastructure overhaul set to begin right after the next major election cycle—unless it gets delayed by, well, anything.
- The “Innovation Tax Incentive,” which offers businesses lucrative tax breaks for inventing things that haven’t been invented yet.
- A bipartisan agreement that lawmakers will meet every few years to decide whether to make actual decisions.
Critics of the plan argue that it’s simply an excuse for politicians to push responsibility onto future generations. However, supporters insist that the timeline is ideal because it allows plenty of room for photo ops and fundraising emails without committing to action.
“It’s called foresight,” explained Representative Susan Gridlock (D-Indecision). “Why rush into making real choices today when we can postpone them indefinitely? That’s just good governance!”
Analysts predict that if the bill passes, it could result in historic levels of optimism, frustration, and campaign commercials in which politicians take credit for things that haven’t happened yet.
In response, the American public remains hopeful, skeptical, and—above all—prepared to vote for whichever candidate promises the least effort with the most enthusiasm.
Developing Story: Congress accidentally votes on an actual policy, causing widespread panic.
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