In today’s digital world, the biggest tech platforms continue their noble crusade to “protect your privacy.” And by “protect your privacy,” we of course mean “ask you for more of it every time you log in, breathe, or exist within six feet of a Wi-Fi signal.”
These privacy-loving companies swear they care about your data—but they also can’t help reminding you, with the persistence of a door-to-door vacuum salesman, that your Personal Profile Is Only 4% Complete.
Click the notification and you’ll find they need—purely for your safety, of course—the following:
- Your full legal name (first, middle, last, childhood nickname, and what your friends call you when you’re late).
- Your home address, mailing address, last five places you “felt cute,” and GPS tracking permission “for account security.”
- A credit card number (for “identity verification”), plus the three-digit code on the back (for “double identity verification”).
- Your birth date, birth time, birth weight, and birth certificate upload (optional—but heavily suggested so “we can keep your account safe”).
- A short biography, two forms of government ID, a recent utility bill, and any receipts you’ve kept since 2012.
- A list of everything you’ve purchased, thought about purchasing, placed in a cart but abandoned, Googled at 3AM, or stared at for more than four seconds.
- Your browsing history, search history, purchase history, location history, streaming history, snack history, holiday history, and browser-tab-left-open-too-long history.
All purely to “enhance your privacy experience.”
And the more you share? The more these platforms can lovingly sell your “anonymized” (wink!) data to advertisers who will use it to target you with ads suspiciously accurate enough to make your toaster nervous.
After all, how will companies know what you need unless they acquire, analyze, categorize, repackage, and auction off your personal details like they’re the world’s least-fun farmers’ market?
Security Is Their Top Priority—Right Until They Get Hacked Next Month
Of course, the platforms reassure you that all this information is encrypted, fortified, and protected by “the strongest security in the world,” which is a phrase tech companies love using right before announcing:
“We recently became aware of a security incident affecting some users…”
Some users = all users.
Security incident = world-ending data explosion.
Recently = it happened three months ago and they hoped you wouldn’t notice.
Once your entire life leaks onto the dark web—birth date, address, shopping habits, that one thing you ordered at 2AM that you wish you didn’t—you may be eligible to join a class-action settlement.
Congratulations! You could receive a check worth up to $3.14 while agreeing to a legally binding document that ensures:
- You can never sue them again
- Not even if someone uses your leaked personal info to open a chain of fraudulent gas stations in your name
- And not even if they lose your data again, which they will, because they always do
But hey—your privacy matters to them. Deeply. Spiritually. Almost religiously. Which is why they keep asking for more of it.
The Only Real Privacy Solution
After decades of breaches, leaks, half-hearted apologies, and settlements that pay less than a cheeseburger, experts have discovered the one true, foolproof, permanently effective privacy strategy:
Never give any platform any information about you.
Ever.
Not your real name.
Not your address.
Not your birthday.
Not your favorite pizza topping.
Not even your preferred temperature for leftovers.
The less they know, the less they can sell, leak, trade, “accidentally expose,” or “regretfully mishandle in accordance with our privacy policy.”
So the next time a platform pops up with:
“Your account is more secure when you complete your profile!”
Remember what they really mean:
“Your privacy is more profitable when you complete your profile.”
And when the leak happens—because it will—ask yourself:
Was it really worth clicking “Yes, I Agree” just so your account picture could display your full birthday horoscope?
Probably not.
About the Author
Jaime 
Kelly 
