Local Man Unearths Strange Artifact That Defies Time, Space, and Basic Filing Habits
Kelly 
In what may be the most unsettling archaeological find of the century, a man stumbled upon a mysterious relic buried deep within his backyard—a discovery that has since sent historians, scientists, and existentialists into a collective spiral. At first glance, the item appeared to be an ancient technological artifact from a forgotten civilization. Upon closer inspection, however, it turned out to be something far more disturbing—a standard USB drive from 2006.
Doug Witherspoon, the unsuspecting discoverer of the anomaly, was simply planting a tree when he unearthed the device. “I figured it was some kind of ancient codex,” Witherspoon explained. “Like maybe early humans documented their wisdom onto some kind of sacred storage device.” His neighbor Jerry, armed with decades of common sense, pointed out that it was just an old 2GB flash drive—the kind most people abandoned in a drawer sometime after Windows Vista.
But then things got weird.
Local experts, desperate to understand the implications of such a relic, plugged it in. What they found inside could only be described as a horrifying mix of digital nonsense and cosmic warning signs. The drive contained a single text document labeled “DO NOT OPEN” alongside a folder ominously titled “Taxes_2011_Final_FINAL_Actual.”
Despite the clear warning, Witherspoon did the unthinkable: He opened the text file. Inside, a single message appeared:
“You weren’t supposed to find this.”
And then, just as suddenly, the file deleted itself.
Panicked researchers attempted to recover the lost data, but every effort only resulted in more confusion. One recovered folder labeled “Secret_Archive” contained nothing but a lone JPEG file titled ‘Untitled’ that, when opened, was just a blurry picture of an empty hallway. Worse yet, the drive’s metadata suggested it had been accessed three days before it was discovered.
Authorities are now struggling to determine whether this is simply a case of misplaced storage or something far more sinister—an artifact that somehow predated its own recovery.
“I don’t understand what I found, and honestly, I’m not sure I want to,” Witherspoon admitted. “I was just trying to plant a tree.” He has since abandoned that plan, citing “the increasing possibility that my backyard is a glitch in reality itself.”
Experts urge anyone who may have misplaced a USB drive in the last 20 years to check their surroundings carefully—before history finds them first.
Further updates to come—assuming reality hasn’t collapsed by then.
About the Author
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