Breaking News: Humanity’s Productivity Plummets as Mobile Gaming Thrives on the Throne
Daniel L 
In a groundbreaking revelation, experts confirm that humanity has entered a new dark age—not because of global turmoil, but because mobile gaming on the toilet has reached epidemic levels.
Once a sacred place of solitude and existential reflection, the bathroom has now become humanity’s unofficial esports arena. Reports indicate that 92% of phone gamers admit to “strategic prolonged seating,” citing the need to complete just one more level before standing up like functional adults. Medical professionals are calling this phenomenon “Battle Royale Butt”—a mysterious condition where gamers lose circulation in their legs due to excessive restroom-based gaming marathons.
“People used to bring newspapers. Now they bring entire digital universes into the bathroom,” says Dr. Evelyn Flush, an expert on technology-induced laziness. “Our research suggests that ‘toilet victories’ in competitive games induce greater dopamine spikes than any other setting. The thrill of winning while on a porcelain throne is, apparently, unmatched.”
Toilet manufacturers are now developing gaming-friendly restrooms, including heated seats, wireless charging stations, and motion-controlled flush systems that activate when players cheer in victory.
Public restrooms have suffered as a result. Witnesses report hearing battle cries from stalls, followed by crushing defeat and mournful sighs. In some cases, gamers have refused to exit cubicles until they’ve successfully beaten their high scores, causing widespread restroom shortages.
As governments scramble to address this crisis, researchers warn that if left unchecked, society may soon experience the ultimate tragedy: a future where the bathroom is no longer used for its primary function, but simply as the world’s most committed gaming zone.
Stay tuned for updates. Assuming anyone emerges from the bathroom to report them.
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