THE INTERNET IS CANCELING CALIFORNIA: “SiteGate” Sparks Digital Secession Movement
Daniel L 
In a stunning turn of events that has left tech bros sobbing into their oat milk lattes, millions of website owners across the country have begun deploying a new viral plugin called SiteGate—a digital gatekeeper that allows site admins to block entire U.S. states from accessing their content. And guess who’s first on the chopping block? That’s right: California. The Golden State has officially been digitally ghosted.
SiteGate, described by its creators as “a firewall for feelings,” lets site owners blacklist states based on political disagreements, cultural beefs, or just general vibes. The plugin’s tagline? “Because sometimes, you just want to block Florida.”
But while Florida remains the usual punching bag, it’s California that’s facing the brunt of the blackout. From indie blogs to e-commerce empires, site owners are slamming the virtual door on Californians with the enthusiasm of a HOA board banning fun.
“We just couldn’t take another comment about composting toilets,” said one anonymous WordPress user from Texas. “SiteGate gave us the power to say ‘no’ to kale and yes to peace.”
The Great State Purge
The movement has snowballed into what experts are calling a “Digital Secession,” with other states now joining the fray. Idaho-based prepper forums have blocked New York. A knitting blog in Alabama has banned Massachusetts for “excessive smugness.” And a Montana taxidermy site has blocked Oregon for “being too alive.”
“It’s like the Civil War, but with cookies and cache settings,” said Dr. Netta Protocol, professor of Internet Sociology at the University of Phoenix Online (Beta Campus).
California Reacts
California officials attempted to respond, but their press release was blocked by 73% of the internet. The only site still accessible to Californians is a single GeoCities page from 1998 that plays MIDI versions of Smash Mouth songs.
“We’re not mad,” said a spokesperson for the California Department of Digital Feelings. “We’re just disappointed. Also, we’re launching our own plugin called ‘SurfWall’ that blocks everyone who doesn’t recycle.”
What’s Next?
With SiteGate’s popularity surging, analysts predict that by 2026, the average American will only be able to access websites hosted in their own ZIP code. The internet, once a vast digital frontier, is rapidly becoming a patchwork of petty vendettas and passive-aggressive redirects.
“We used to dream of a global village,” lamented Tim Berners-Lee’s ghost (he’s not dead, but he’s emotionally unavailable). “Now we’ve got a cul-de-sac of spite.”
Final Thoughts
As the digital iron curtains fall, one thing is clear: the internet is no longer a place for unity, memes, or cat videos. It’s a battleground of plugins, preferences, and passive-aggressive 403 errors.
So if you’re in California and reading this… you’re probably not. This article has been SiteGated. Try Nevada.
Want to block your ex’s entire state? SiteGate Premium now includes “Petty Mode,” allowing you to ban users based on astrology signs, font choices, or whether they say “sammich.”
About the Author
Jaime 
