Kelly 
In what some researchers are calling “a historic cultural shift,” a new report from the National Institute of Beverage Consumption (yes, that’s real) reveals that college students are now spending more time filling, sipping, and discussing their water bottles than actually opening textbooks.
According to the study, the average student drinks 11.2 refills a day — a number that has quadrupled since the rise of emotional-support water bottles like Stanley cups, Hydro Flasks, and “that free one from the campus career fair that you weirdly love.”
“We found students were spending upwards of 45 minutes deciding which beverage to bring to class,” said lead researcher Dr. Megan Liu. “Hydration has become a group activity. People are bonding over water temperature preferences the way previous generations bonded over music.”
The phenomenon is even affecting campus culture. Professors report a rise in mid-lecture “water parades,” where students file out one by one to refill bottles at the library hydration station. “At this point, I just pause my lecture and wait,” said Professor James Evers, who teaches Intro to Economics. “It’s like a halftime show, but sadder.”
Entrepreneurs are rushing to capitalize on the craze. One startup is testing a subscription service called Gulp+, which delivers “curated artisanal water” to your dorm every Monday in emotional support glass jars. Another is working on an app that syncs your daily water intake with your Spotify playlist and posts your hydration streaks to Instagram Stories.
Students interviewed by Campus Current were unfazed. “Yeah, I haven’t started my term paper,” said junior Kelsey Tran, clutching a 40-ounce pastel tumbler, “but I’m on a 73-day hydration streak and my skin is, like, glowing.”
Meanwhile, researchers warn that the trend may have gone too far. One freshman reportedly suffered “existential panic” when she accidentally left her water bottle in the dining hall. “She was fine after someone loaned her a spare,” Dr. Liu clarified, “but it was touch and go for about 15 minutes.”
The report concludes with a single recommendation: college students should try drinking in moderation — and maybe crack open a book once in a while.
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