Kelly 
Retailers are now grappling with a crushing case of buyer’s remorse after investing millions in self-checkout technology—only to watch customers avoid it like an abandoned shopping cart with a busted wheel. Industry experts say the issue was entirely preventable: Had businesses simply knocked 10% off customers’ total for ringing up their own items, self-checkout might have had a fighting chance.
“We really thought people would love the independence of scanning their own groceries while an angry red alert accused them of shoplifting,” admitted Chad Invoice, spokesperson for MegaMart. “Turns out, they don’t—and shockingly, making them do unpaid labor without a price break wasn’t the selling point we imagined.”
What retailers failed to realize was that many shoppers are actively rejecting self-checkout for reasons beyond mere convenience. Despite the option for faster checkout, customers routinely opt to stand in 20-person lines just to have a real cashier scan their items. Their reasoning? Supporting human jobs.
“There’s something fundamentally wrong about watching self-checkout replace actual workers,” said shopper Brenda Scant, while patiently waiting her turn behind a man with six overflowing carts of canned soup. “I’ll gladly wait an extra ten minutes if it means someone gets to keep their paycheck.”
Retail executives initially justified the full-price model, assuming consumers would embrace the “efficiency” of self-checkout. But as shoppers continued to leave the machines untouched, businesses quickly realized the error of their ways. “If we had just offered a small discount—say, 10%—our investment wouldn’t be circling the drain right now,” Invoice admitted. “Instead, we’re stuck with hundreds of machines that do nothing except make customers feel deeply uncomfortable.”
Some retailers are scrambling to salvage their purchases. One grocery chain has begun marketing self-checkout as an “Interactive Shopping Experience,” while others have launched “Scanner Rewards,” where customers earn points for successfully completing a transaction without needing assistance. Early results suggest none of these efforts are working.
Meanwhile, frustrated shoppers continue choosing traditional lanes, leaving self-checkout kiosks blinking in silent despair. “At this point, these machines might as well be expensive paperweights,” Invoice sighed. “If only we had thought about what customers actually wanted before dumping all this money into them.”
In unrelated news, MegaMart is now considering a new system where shoppers scan, stock shelves, and unload delivery trucks in exchange for “the joy of participation.” Experts are already predicting disaster.
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Daniel L 
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