Jaime 
(A Satirical Masterclass for the Bold, the Brave, and the Mildly Deranged)
📚 Course Description:
Welcome to ChronoEconomics 401, the only accredited course taught simultaneously in the past, present, and a speculative hallucination of the year 3047. In this class, students will master time-warping skills ranging from Nostradamusian Twitch streaming to AI-scented vapor readings. Prerequisites include mild insomnia, the ability to decipher raccoon handwriting, and a firm distrust of linear time.
🧠 Lesson 1: Squirrel Surveillance as Predictive Infrastructure
Objective: Students will construct elaborate squirrel dioramas to monitor seed-foraging patterns. These bushy-tailed prophets have been known to outpredict Wall Street analysts by 37.2%, especially in acorn-based economies.
Homework: Draft a treaty with your neighborhood squirrel council. Bribery with pistachios encouraged, but beware the rogue albino prophet who whispers only in Morse.
🌀 Lesson 2: Forecasting with Forgotten VHS Tapes
Objective: By fast-forwarding abandoned instructional videos from the ‘90s while standing barefoot in a kiddie pool, students unlock temporal wormholes to near-futures. Warning: side effects may include perm-envy and a sudden urge to Rollerblade into destiny.
In-Class Activity: Create a vision board using scenes from “Jazzercise for Accountants” and “How to Properly Apologize to a Fax Machine.”
🔮 Lesson 3: Quantum Sandwich Divination
Objective: Every lunch is a revelation. Students will learn how the layering of turkey, mustard, and regret between bread slices reveals fluctuations in global markets and imminent family reunions.
Final Project: Eat a sandwich so metaphysically unstable it predicts which of your cousins will start a pyramid scheme in 2027.
📞 Lesson 4: Cold-Calling the Future
Objective: Students will use rotary phones to dial numbers yet to exist. The first student to successfully reach a future telemarketer is automatically awarded tenure.
Lecture Topic: “If a fax comes from 2083, should you answer in binary or just cry softly?”
🧽 Lesson 5: Predictive Cleaning Routines
Objective: Study patterns in how forgotten Roombas move after being reawakened. Turns out, they scrub in Fibonacci spirals that correlate directly with celebrity scandals and the fall of nation-states.
Lab Component: Release a Roomba on a map of the globe, sprinkle glitter, and interpret its journey as prophecy. Bonus points if it crashes into North Korea and leaves behind a breadcrumb trail of foreshadowing.
🧘 Lesson 6: Meditative Glitching
Objective: Learn to intentionally glitch your Zoom background until it begins revealing geopolitical events five minutes before they happen. Advanced students may become aware of parallel dimensions run entirely by sentient spatulas.
Required Reading: “Still Buffering: Finding Your Inner Loading Symbol” by Professor PixelBuffer.
💥 Final Exam: The End of Time, as Simulated via Interpretive Dance
Your grade depends on your ability to express next Tuesday’s stock market crash through jazz hands, followed by a somber interpretive representation of the invention of the Self-Aware Cappuccino Machine.
📝 Disclaimer: ChronoEconomics 401 is not responsible for any time ruptures, identity paradoxes, or spontaneous apparitions of Gary Busey during class.
About the Author
Kelly 
bdirt